Hollow
by darksoulsaddicted
Summary: In his sixth year, Harry starts drinking alcohol and trying other drugs as he copes with mild depression and the realization that he might be gay.


I was laying down on my bed alone in the sixth year dormitory. The faint sound of a heavy beat could be heard coming from the Gryffindor common room.

The Gryffindors has beaten Hufflepuff in the first game of the year, and everyone was celebrating. It was the biggest party I had ever been to, and it was my first party with alcohol. Some of the seventh years had smuggled in a few kegs of butter beer and everyone above fourth year could be seen donning a red solo cup.

Some people, like Nigel and Ritchie, seemed to get really happy when they drank. They were telling stories excitedly about some of their more dastardly pranks, and running around the room shouting out their own praises.

It's not how I felt.

It was my first time getting drunk, and I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball. Dark thoughts that I could usually just ignored were racing through my mind: Cedric being killed, Sirius falling through the veil. It was all I could think about.

Could I have done something different? Were their deaths my fault? What does Ron think about me? Hermione?

I feel like the world's biggest phony. Everyone in the wizarding world is expecting me to be their savior and I can't even defend the ones closest to me.

Everything good that I've done has been because of dumb luck and the help of others.

If my friends left me today, I'd be completely useless and totally alone. And why should they stay with me anyway? They're putting their lives in danger to hang out with me. They should just–

I sat up slowly.

I can't keep thinking these thoughts, I'm really starting to depress myself. I need to move, I need to walk, I need to go down the stairs.

The staircase swayed back and forth in my vision as I struggled down the steps. I was holding onto the railing with both hands and moving very slowly.

God, how many butter beers did I have? Six? Seven?

I stepped into the common room and tried to look through the crowd for somewhere to sit down. I saw a chair by the fire place, and started moving towards it. I bumped into a seventh year and spilled beer on his shirt.

"Woa, watch where you're going, Potter! Merlin, you must be so drunk, ha ha!"

I kept my eyes focused on my feet and continued walking towards the fire. I fell into the seat and slumped my back. It felt like everyone at the party was watching me and thinking about how much they hated my guts.

I stared intently at the painting above the mantle, and hoped that everyone was looking away.

I'm just going to sit here, and look at the painting, and wait until everything feels okay.

I'm just going to keep looking and soon everything will be alright.

I'm just going to sit upright in the chair, and rest my arms, and look at the painting.

"Harry?"

I looked up and saw Hermione. At least, I think it was Hermione. It was getting kind of hard to see more than a blur with my vision swaying so much.

I said in my most reassuring voice, "Heeeyyy, Hermionee… how's it going?"

Hermione said carefully, "Erm… I'm doing really good, Harry. How are you? It looks like you're about to pass out…"

"Huh? Uh, oh no, I'm just… need to sit down for a while."

"Um, okay. Hey, how about we step outside for a minute, there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Ahhhyea, sure, totally, let's go."

I stood up too fast and staggered to the side a little.

"Christ…" Hermione muttered under her breath as she moved to my side and wrapped her arm over my shoulder.

"C'mon, let's go," she whispered to me and we started moving through the crowd.

As we were reaching the door, someone yelled out, "HEEYYYYYY! Looks like our seeker has to check out early!" Everyone laughed and took a drink.

"Morons," Hermione said, as we stepped into the hallway.

I sat down on the stairs and rested me head on a step. I felt a black force pushing down on my body and willing me to fall asleep. My eye lids felt heavier than they had ever been and when I closed them, I sort of forgot where I was and began to pass out.

I could hear Hermione saying something to me, but I was too tired to care. I'll open my eyes in one second, I thought, and see what she has to say.

In one second, I'll open my eyes.

In one second…


End file.
